Water With Lemon
"Can I start you folks off with a cocktail, or a glass of one of our feature wines?" I ask.
"Hmmm, what do you suggest?" says Guest 1.
"Well, we have a fantastic ginger mojito with fresh mint, lime, and a splash of ginger beer, and we have a new Pinot Noir that pairs really well with a variety of our dishes…"
"I will, just have a water" Guest 2 interrupts.
"We have San Pellegrino, Perrier, Fiji and Voss as well as…"
"No, just…tap..water, you might as well just bring water all around."
Are you fucking kidding me? I was so close to that sale!!! Fuck!
"Certainly, will that be all? We have a great selection of draft beer as well…"
Please…. Maybe they’re beer drinkers?
"No, that’s it. Oh, could you maybe add a slice of lemon on the side?" Guest 2 asks.
"Oh, that sounds great! I’ll try that too!" Guest 1 chimes in.
You’ll try that? Really? You’ll give water with a slice of lemon a try? That’s like saying you’ll give white bread a try. It’s water with lemon, it is what it is! Adding lemon doesn’t make it a cocktail! It doesn’t make you look sophisticated! It doesn’t make you look less cheap!
It’s fucking water with fucking lemon!
Ok, I know people are going to order water. Obviously. Just please don’t order water for the table! Let them order a real drink, ok? You’re killing my sales! And it’s just plain rude to your guests. They may have wanted the ginger mojito, then you decided to be a buzz kill and order water, then had the audacity to order one for your guests as well. Your friends then might feel like they have to stick with just water (oh, don’t forget the lemon!). It kills the feel-good mood your guests were in when they got here really quick, and I can feel it.
Order a bottle of wine for the table, that’s great, a pitcher? A round of margaritas? Absolutely. Water? No. It’s rude, and it implies that you think you are in control.
So, if you must order tap water, do so, but try a little more discretion next time!