Server Rants from Restaurant Hell




1. foolish, unintelligent, or silly; stupid: It is surprising that supposedly intelligent people can make such asinine statements.

So today at work my fellow servers and I discussed how asinine it is of guests to say “I’ll make it easy on you and just order the unlimited (insert food item here)”. Now I shouldn’t have to point this out BUT I will, when you order something that is unlimited, never ending, refillable, or bottomless you’ll never “make it easy” on us.

Now to why this is asinine, forget about unlimited (insert food item here) and just think of this in the context of any other establishment that provides a service. If you go in to a business and say “i’ll make it easy on you and just make you preform a service for me” does that REALLY sound like you’re “making it easy”?? wouldn’t it be easier if you just didn’t ask for anything??

If all of this does not make my point clear then perhaps this will put it in perspective for you, if you went to a gas station and told the petroleum transfer technician (pump jockey) “i’ll make it easy on you and just have you pump regular”( like pumping premium would be more difficult…) is that not asinine??


Dear Table 41,

I can see that you’re having a great time, no doubt you’ll probably break out the marshmallows and graham crackers and start making s’mores, but if you wouldn’t mind getting the hell out before you pitch a tent in my section. Ok, I understand that you all came out together and want to have a good time, stay a while, and chat. The thing is, though, is that you have occupied half of my section for the while night. Be my guest and stay all night if you arrive together and order (appetizers, drinks, dessert, coffee etc.) throughout your stay. When you’re finished ordering and enjoying your food, drinks, and coffee. It’s time to go. If you still want to socialize, go to a coffee bar, since God knows you people don’t drink, a real bar is out of the question (I already know my alcohol sales are fucked tonight). The problem with your table was that two people arrived at 5, a half an hour passed, two more people arrived, another half an hour passed. You’ve ordered nothing but water so far. Ok another two people arrive and 45 minutes pass, and finally you order. Now don’t get me wrong, you were an ok table in the sense that you were polite and not too demanding. My problem is that you set up camp in half of my section from five o’clock ‘til nine thirty, and hadn’t ordered a thing for over two hours! And you ended up being my last table of the night! That’s two hours I could have been home, I could’ve had dinner since I haven’t eaten since lunch, I could’ve been drunk by now! But I had to stay because I have to close my section. Two hours. Waiting. For you.


Your Server


I worked in an Italian-American chain restaurant for a few years. It’s not like we didn’t see our share of illiterate folk, but one dude, he takes the cake.

"And what can I get for you tonight sir?"

"Well, I dunno, I think I’ll take the sketti."

"Spaghetti bolognese?"

"Just put the sketti with the sketti sauce."

"Tomato sauce?"

"The baloney one that you said? It has meat?"

"Yes, sir, bolognese is a meat sauce."

"Yeah, I’ll take the sketti with baloney sauce…oh, and make sure they ain’t got no un-guns in nothin’ for me…"

"Ok, sir."

It’s ok, we were 86 un-guns hours ago…